“Most parents don’t realise that when you first become a parent you never just have ONE child” Dr Shefali
I was sitting in my breastfeeding armchair, pinned down by this hungry and generally unhappy child that I have just brought into the world. My body felt heavy and traumatised. The silence of no daily distraction, had hit me hard, right into the middle of my heart. No three years of therapy was enough for me to be prepared for this.
It wasn’t just my baby that I was rocking in my arms to sooth. But it was the demons of my childhood, the void of my parents who did not get to see me as a mum nor their grandson, the lack of support that I was yearning for but incapable to ask for, the lack of time to grieve, the lack of love and patience in me that I was all of a sudden having to give out, but never been given in the first place…
I was sitting there, with my inner neglected child rocking a baby boy, desperately trying to sooth both of us, desperately trying to stop the pain. Then an inner voice, my inner wisdom whispered in my heart: ” let go- you don’t need to stop the pain any more, just go through it”
2 am: my baby is crying in my arms and so am I. I let go of trying to stop his heart-breaking wailing. I surrender to the process. I feel connected to him. I feel as though he is crying because he feels my unprocessed physical pain: the trauma that is stored in me somewhere in a cellular level, that no talking therapy could reach too. Our warm tears are making the healing feel real and tangible.
9 am : we are both just waking up. His little face seems soft and relaxed. I feel light and relieved as though I have just given birth to a new me. I feel as though I have just become a parent.